West Midlands Police issue urgent report

West Midlands Police were inundated today when up to thirty thousand vila fans turned themselves in for invading the pitch during Mondays’ derby clash with Birmingham City.

This occured shortly after the Vile’s management team announced that any fan who had invaded the pitch during their home defeat against Birmingham City will be banned for life. Within hours of the announcement large queues began to form at police stations in Aston, Erdington, Great Barr and Sutton Coldfield reports suggested that telephone switchboards were being jammed, as fans who were not even in the country phoned their connfessions to astounded police officers.Major incidents were reported when riots broke out as several desperate fans rushed to the front of the queues. Internal police inquires were quickly launched, as accusations flew, that officers had been bribed by fans deperate to get their names onto the lists.

Precious fire resources were diverted to many police stations as desperate fans chained themselves to railings and needed to be cut free. Chaos ensued as up to fifteen fans chained themselves to a police officers’ bicycle, after he had stopped to tell someone the time. Several passers-by whitnessed the shocking sight of grown men weeping and begging, as they desperately pleaded to be put onto the list.

The police have called for public calm and assured the fans that all cases will be carefully investigated and the bans will be issued entirely on merit, with no preferential treatment for anyone. Chief Inspector Gusset of the Aston Constabulary in a short public announcement said, “I can assure the public that this will not be handled on a first come, first serverd basis, and there is no need to panic.”

The latest report suggests that calm has been restored and refreshments are being handed out by compassionate salvation army volunteers, to the many fans who are desperate to keep their place in the queues, they are willing to camp out overnight.

One fan was quoted as saying “This is a once in a lifetime chance and I’m determined not to miss out”.

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